i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
