Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize