I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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