I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
