I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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