The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
