could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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