My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Randomize
