hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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