that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Randomize
