there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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