he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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