im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
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