Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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