i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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