Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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