Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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