Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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