She's JV to your varsity
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He has the fingertips of a God
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize