I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My penis needs a shock collar
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
