If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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