I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
my poor anus
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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