i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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