mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
