we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
