the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
