There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize