my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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