Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
