I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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