I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
