somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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