Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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