Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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