i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
