chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
