i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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