she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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