the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Did we literally take a cab across the street
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I lost the right to judge tonight
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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