Little spoons don't ask big questions
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Holy sore nipples Batman
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize