Little spoons don't ask big questions
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Holy sore nipples Batman
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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