I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
