new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
