drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the condom got lost in my hair
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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