you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
