god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
