How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Alive.
So much puke
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
