dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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