Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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