Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
