she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
