It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
