Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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