my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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