Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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