The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
