a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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