I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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