I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
