So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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