My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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