He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
