You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
