epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Still dying that you shit outside
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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